My journey into the hellish nightmare-scape that is my world without meds

I get the best drugs.
    Well, in my opinion anyway. I take a tiny pill that makes me smaller (or maybe it makes my worry smaller). The tiny little pill is so good at it's job that i don't notice that I need it. I take it once every morning. Why? because I do, and that is where I get into trouble. I have issues with faith. I have a need to test.
    So months and months and months go by with me taking my little pill and being sane. Take the pill-- be sane, take the pill-- be sane. After so many months of sanity (which is remarkably unobtrusive) one begins to feel as though one might in fact be sane. So, being the adventuresome soul that I am I unobtrusively let myself run out of little pills.
    The first time I ran out of pills was after I lost my job at the humane society. Lost my job, lost my heath insurance, and little pills are really expensive. At that point in time I had no delusions of sanity. My mother was dying, I was accused of  gross insubordination at work, but I couldn't care less. My mother was dying. The withdrawal from the little pills was not something that even registered for me above the pain of loosing my mother. I shattered teeth in the night. I wept uncontrollably. I held my self together because to fall apart would only hurt my mother more, she was already in enough pain.
    I might have decided to go back to school to give my mother something to be pleased about, but it turned out to be one of the most correct decisions of my life. Above and beyond the chance to complete my education was the health insurance. I could have my little pills again, huzzah! With school came a sanity that I had not know for years, possibly ever, and (in so far as my mental health is concerned, complacency)
    Would you ever like to be really aware that you have a finger or a hand, then injure it. Pain is a constant reminder, comfort is an anesthetic. I guess maybe I thought I was crazy because of all the things that were happening in my life. I guess I figured I have always had a reason to fear the world, and that mybe I had outpaced all the bad luck and poor hands delt and maybe I could take a few steps on my own, without the crutch. I was really really really wrong.
    At first I didn't notice anything. Maybe a little light headedness, maybe my imagination. For two or three days nothing really happens, but while I'm not paying attention: don't the corner get darker, and isn't there just this air before the storm quality about the world? Then it starts. I am watching a t.v. and suddenly I am crying. Was it the show? Was it the commercial? I can't tell you, but I am weeping. O.K. that's o.k. Mom used to cry at "Little House on the Prairie". We are an emotional family. It's o.k.
    Then the dreams start. They are horrible dreams I can't completely remember, but in them people die. People I love die. people I love die and there is nothing I can do about it. People I love die, there is nothing I can do about it, and it is most likely my fault. People I love die there is nothing I can do about it and I killed them and I have to find some where to hide the body. I need my little pills.
    The feelings in these dreams ( even though I can't really remember them) follow me through the day. There are tears in the corners of my eyes constantly because in the back of my mind I am just waiting for the first ones to die. Every breath is terror. Every night I don't want to go to sleep because the dreams (even though I don't remember them are so terrifying that I am sore and trembling when I wake up in the morning. Nightmare clouds, nightmare sky, nightmare voices and halls and questions I can't answer and no way to avoid the feeling that I am a rolling calamity that brings hurt and harm in her wake. useless... useless... it becomes a prayer. If I could only be useless. If all I was, was useless instead of harmful. I cry and it hurts to cry. Tears spray with force from my eyes.

   Oh, you say my insurance year has not turned over yet, and my prescription will cost me $70.00 for 10 pills. Your right, I need to switch to something cheaper,  your right. And Yes, I still want them, you see, I need them.